The Letter
by Sh1 n0 m1k0
Summary: Thank you for your cooperation and I do hope we may remain friends..." A tribute to all the girls that the King of the Goblins had fallen in love with. Damn that book.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: No ownies.

**The Letter**

Dear Mortal,

I regret to inform you, that due to an unfortunate adjustment in current standing, I find it necessary to permanently terminate our relations.

In other words – you're so dumped.

I do not doubt that I am the sole center of your puny universe, and that my mere presence is enough to make your lovely heart go pitty-pat, but I fear that this is not enough to continue our extended dalliances. I have simply found someone else who turned out to be much more interesting than you ever could dream of becoming.

As a result of this (no-doubt-devastating-for-you) news, I ask the return of any and all of my belongings, including but not limited to one-hundred and three crystals of varying size, two pairs of moleskin gloves, one elf-spun necklace made of Dwarf gold, my mother's priceless pair of heirloom earrings with matching bracelet, one pair of green leggings, ten poetically written love notes, five dozen enchanted roses, and a handkerchief.

On receipt of said, but not limited to, items, I would be more than happy to have my housekeeper return your overnight sack containing one blue blouse, one pair of trousers, socks, undergarments, tube of toothpaste, and toothbrush. I am keeping the hairbrush as it was my grandmother's. Also in the sack will be the cuff links you gave me our first anniversary, the stuffed toad that you _insisted_ upon having since it was quote "too cute" to pass by, the hair spray you gave me as a gag our second anniversary, and the lumpy pair of home-knit socks that I never did wear.

Do not call me, wish anyone away, or come into contact with any of the Underground or I shall be forced to take drastic action.

Thank you for your cooperation, and I do so hope we can still be friends.

Regretfully yours,

_Jareth, King of the Goblins_

P.S. No, you may _not_ have your brother back. -J


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: It's still not mine.

**The Letter, Part Two**

Dear Jareth,

Why?

Why Why Why Why Why??

What did I do wrong? Was it something I did? Something I said?

I don't understand!!

Just yesterday you were telling me about how much you were looking forward to taking me to Silver Lake for a holiday! And now you're _dumping_ me? And just _where _did you learn _that_ little phrase? I think you've watched too much television. I've _told_ you about watching too much television. It really messes with your behavior! Remember the "Fonz" incident? If you don't, I'm sure the leathers are still in your closet_ as a reminder_.

Please, Jareth, think about what you're doing! You've even met my _parents!_ And now you just want to throw away everything we have, just because you met some two-bit floozy who can piece together a crappy limerick or two out on the street?!

I love you!

Doesn't that mean _anything_ to you? Anything at all?!

Please – don't do this.

I've returned the handkerchief. Sorry that I didn't have a chance to wash it yet, but I still think you're making a dreadful mistake. You've probably just had too much to drink or something. Messing around with the magic mushrooms like I've told you not to.

You're _always _doing that. You _never _did listen to me.

But I really hope that you're listening to me now.

Jareth, I _need _you.

I'm willing to do anything you want. Just say the word. I can fix this! I can change! Just give me a chance! I can prove it! Just don't go!

What do you want from me?

What can I say that can change your mind?

I'm desperate, Jareth. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose what we have.

I'll do anything! I'll take literature! I'll study up on my fairytales! I'll learn to cook! I'll clean the throne room! I'll even have that stupid mole that annoys you so much removed!

I'll stop making fun of your wardrobe!

Just... don't leave me.

Please...

With all my love,

_Celia_

P.S. You think I even _want _the little turd back?! Ha! You can keep him! He was a little goblin even _before _I wished him away! -C


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: No ownies.

**The Letter, Part Three**

Dear "Celia,"

I am not moved.

My dear, I'm afraid that you are a soppy fool if you think your empty words could possibly win me back. I am a King and above such things. If I could be influenced in such a way, I would have lost my kingdom long ago.

You have thirteen hours in which to deliver or my lawyer shall hound you... forever.

-One-hundred and three crystals of varying size.

-Two pairs of moleskin gloves.

-One elf-spun necklace made of Dwarf gold.

-My mother's priceless pair of heirloom earrings with matching bracelet.

-One pair of green leggings.

-Ten poetically written love notes.

-Five dozen enchanted roses.

If the rest of my property is not returned in a timely matter, you shall force my hand.

And since we are on the topic of these so-called "moments" that we have shared...

Your cooking will never improve, your family's manners are atrocious, and yes, the time you spilled grape juice on my _favorite_ shirt stained it beyond repair. You are lucky that I do not see fit to charge you in replacing it, seeing that it was constructed of cloudstuff. Your laugh is pinched and nasal, causing me many a headache and you have terrible taste in movies. No, purple eyeshadow does not become you, and Yes, that dress did make you look fat.

And studying up on fairytales will do no good if you can't even read. This was supposed to have been settled upon receiving my first letter, but apparently you are too ignorant to recognize that.

You cannot even hold a burned out candle to the beauty and grace that is my Natasha. You shall simply have to get over it.

Remember – thirteen hours or your things shall be thrown in the bog.

Scornfully yours,

_Jareth, King of the Goblins_


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Sigh.

**The Letter, Part 4**

"Dearest" Lord God King Asshole,

How dare you!

How _dare _you!

How _DARE_ you!!

Fine, you win. I don't care. Take your shit and _leave._ I took the liberty of pounding the crystals into dust for ease of transport – they're in the Ziploc bag. I only managed to find the left hands for those stupid gloves and I've pawned the jewelry. Those roses? Died a few months ago. So much for your stupid "enchantments." The letters have been burned and the _tights_ are at the cleaners. I lost the claim check. I'm so not sorry it hurts. Oh, strike that, it feels _good._

Natasha? _Natasha?!_

Come _on_, Jareth, you can do better than that! What did you do? Pick her up at the local goblin strip joint? Found the nearest hooker with the bounciest boobs and biggest ass? What did she do, Jareth? Flutter her eyelashes and pout? Or maybe she wished away her dearest younger sister?

You're such a sick freak, you know that? Who the _hell _kidnaps children, anyway?

I don't ever want to see you again. If you so much as _look_ at me I'll have you in court faster than you can say 'magic.' Stay away from my family, my friends, and my apartment. Keep the hell out of my town and if I even hear a _peep_ from _anyone_ about you taking some person's kid in my _state_, I'll have your guts for goddamn garters!

Go to _hell, _Goblin King.

And you can go ahead and chuck my stuff. I don't want anything _you've_ touched. I'd have to boil it first to get rid of your slimy fingerprints.

Not Your Goddamn _Anything_,

_Celia Johnsen_

P.S. You keep your fucking goblins away from me, too, or I'll send them back stuffed and mounted. -C


End file.
